Grace and Peace to
you from God our Father and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen
There are two phrases in the Bible that make me feel quite uncomfortable,
because they seem to set the bar so high that I can never achieve it.
The first is from the Lord’s Prayer.
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who
trespass against us.
Really, Jesus, is
this what I’m to pray for?
That God would forgive me, as I forgive?
The problem is, I’m not always very good at
forgiveness. I have too good of a
memory. I tend to harbor hurts far too
long. It’s hard to let them go.
There have been times in my life that I have been deeply
hurt by people who were close to me.
Deeply hurt.
When I was an adolescent boy, for example, I developed a
relationship, a friendship, with my band director. Tony was just out of college, and single, and
living alone in the small town in South Dakota where I lived. I was a socially awkward young boy who longed
for friendship, and I found it with Tony.
There was much about that relationship that was good. From Tony I received some of the most
positive affirmation that I have ever received.
He helped to build up my self esteem that was very fragile during this
period of my life.
The summer prior to his arrival in our town, I had been
picked up and arrested for shoplifting.
My mom and dad came down particularly hard on me. Dad was a pastor. Not only did I get the message that what I
had done was wrong, but that in doing that, I had shamed the entire
family. My mom’s reaction after picking
me up from the police station was to declare that we would have to move, that
my actions would make it impossible for my dad to continue being the pastor
there.
My dad’s lecture I still remember to this day. “How long would it take me to drive a nail
into the top of my desk?” he asked. “And how long would it take to repair the
damage done by that?” He was clear that
once the damage had been done, it would never be the same again. His point was that I had done irreparable
damage to myself. In committing that
crime, I had become a criminal, and would always carry that criminal record
with me.
I was devasted.
That is, until Tony laughed it off.
In his laughter I found forgiveness, and that formed the
basis for a friendship that would last for years.
I would spend time at his home, watching “Laugh In”.
He’d feed me.
We’d go to Sioux Falls.
He took me to movies, R-rated movies.
He bought me Playboys.
I thought I had the best friend an adolescent boy could ever
have.
Years later, when I had children of my own, I came to
realize that there was much about that relationship that was in fact,
abusive. The worst of it was some
inappropriate touch that took place. I
realized that if someone did to my children what he did to me, I would react
violently toward them. So deep was the
hurt.
Yes, there was love and affection in our friendship, but it
was abused.
And I was not prone to forgive.
Forgive our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
No, Jesus,
I pray that God’s forgiveness is far superior to the
forgiveness I’m able to offer. I have a
hard time forgiving. And I never, it
seems, forget.
The second verse in the Bible that makes me very
uncomfortable comes from John 8: verse 11.
This is the story of the woman caught in adultery. After Jesus hears the accusations against
her, he invites whoever who is without sin to cast the first stone. All of her accusers leave.
“Woman, where are they?
Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir.”
“Neither do I condemn you.
Go and sin no more.”
Go, and sin no more.
I struggle with those words, because they seem so
impossible.
I have shared with some of you that I am a recovering
alcoholic. I was using alcohol to self
medicate.
It’s not good medicine.
Part of the recovery process, outlined in the twelve steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous is to do a thorough moral inventory, the fourth step,
and then to share that work with someone else in the fifth step.
It asks that we document all of the resentments that we
harbor within ourselves, and what we ourselves did in those situations that
caused us to be so resentful.
It recognizes that we often hold within ourselves anger
toward others, but the real anger is toward ourselves. That’s why we drink.
Getting over that involves two things. Forgiving others, and forgiving ourselves.
And I might add, “going and sinning no more.”
I’m fortunate, in one regard, that my experience of the
“rock bottom”, and the treatment that I have received for my alcoholism, has
enabled me to be sober since October 15th, 2012. 1,379 days.
But who’s counting.
In that regard, I might be able to say that I’ve “gone, and
sinned no more.”
Except for those resentments.
They are a constant battle.
They continue to creep up. It’s
still hard to forgive. And I find myself
wondering if I’ve ever truly and fully forgiven anyone.
Which brings us back to the Lord’s Prayer, and the petition
“forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Oh my, I do so hope that God is better at this forgiveness
business, than I am.
The very fact that my experiences with Tony remain so deeply
seared into my memory, shows that I have not fully forgiven him.
For that matter, the fact that I can still feel the pain
that I felt as a result of my father’s lecture at that time, is a good
indicator that I’ve still got work to do.
And I have come to realize, as most alcoholics do, that we
must continually do our 4th and 5th step work, because
the resentments and failures never stop, and we must deal with them, lest they
destroy us.
Forgive us as we forgive.
Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.
Tough stuff.
Thankfully, as I’ve struggle with these verses, God has not
left me there.
As I’ve come to experience the grace of the Gospel, I’ve
come to understand them in a new way.
In Psalm 103:12 & 13, it is written:
“As far as the east is from the west, so far he removes our
transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has
compassion for those who fear him.”
When I hear that verse, “go and sin no more”, I hear it in a
new way.
“Neither do I condemn you, go, your sins are no more.
This you see is the nature of God’s forgiveness. As far as the east is from the west, so far
he removes our transgressions from us.
They are no more.
That is complete and unconditional forgiveness.
And I do not pray that God will forgive me, as I forgive
others,
But
rather I pray that I might forgive others,
As I have
been forgiven.
One of the things that has helped me come to fully
appreciate the nature of God’s forgiveness, is to become a father, myself.
As a father has compassion for his children, so the Lord has
compassion for those who fear him.
You see, it is easier for me to resent my father, and that
lecture he gave so many years ago, but it’s different with my children. I can’t hold anything against them.
And, as I have come to know that about my relationship with
my children, I have also come to realize that my father loves me
unconditionally as well.
When my dad looks at me today, the farthest thing from his
mind is that I’m a criminal.
Likewise, when God looks at us, he does not see us as
sinners, but as his beloved children.
That’s the promise of baptism.
One of my favorite verses from all of scripture comes from
the baptism of Jesus, where God speaks to Jesus and says: “You are my Son, the beloved, with you I am well
pleased.”
These are the Words that I believe God speaks to each and
every one of us in our baptisms.
You are my child.
I love you.
And with you I am well pleased.
Your sins are no more.
I do not condemn you.
And as I have forgiven you, so also will you be able to
forgive others.
And I continue to pray, that I might live into those promises.
Amen
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